| i can't sleep. |
[Jan. 2nd, 2008|03:50 am] |
i'm confused.
i don't get contradiction, or affection.
i don't get love and lust.
i really don't get true love, promises and meaning.
i'm scared.
my tummy still feels the same way.
my head, ultimately, has more say than it did before.
i don't know what to think anymore.
i do know that i shouldn't have been so naive.
i know i've been extremely sick.
i question whether or not the possibility of soul mates and best friends is true.
if it is, then perhaps i have the wrong best friends.
perhaps the people i respect and believe in me are the ones i should turn to.
i think it's a wonderful thought, scary even, that possibly after five years . . . we're the ones that are suppose to be together. i doubt that's true. it is scary. what are the chances though, expecially after all we've been through?
sometimes i just think i'm his rebound girl.
i wish the world made sense. i wish my life wasn't so drama filled.
i wish i could be normal for once. i suppose not being normal is my quirkiness, which only makes me cute.
i really don't want any of this to fuck me up anymore than i already am.
i really don't want to loose him, but that seems like the only way. expecially since he's listening to that munipulative, lying, 2faced bitch these days... i mean nothing.
i'd really like someone, someday to prove i mean something to them. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 23rd, 2007|08:26 pm] |
it's funny how things change.
so quickly. so unreal.
i'm in utter disbelief
i feel like an idiot. crazy. and stupid.
maybe i should just give up.
my tummy tells me otherwise.
i don't get it.
i wish it was easier than this.
i wish something made sense.
i wish he would just love me
so i wouldnt have to deal with my tummy every single day.
but no, the words "new girlfriend" have finally appeared in our every constent conversations. |
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| "i dont makeout with girls that wear hoodies" |
[Aug. 7th, 2007|01:46 pm] |
contradiction is a strange thing
most are completely unaware they do it
this can be utterly problematic for a few people in many different situations
i think i'm being more whorey these days
i never wanted to change myself, but apparently it's the only way, i think, i can compete
i thought about things a whole lot last night / this morning
i remembered our first kiss and how we used to joke with each other
i miss it dearly.
. . . |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 23rd, 2007|03:28 pm] |
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i still somehow hope i end up with you |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 11th, 2007|11:55 pm] |
i don't know what to say, but i feel i should say something.
i feel like i dont know anything anymore.
the only thing i'm sure of, apparenlty means nothing.
i just want to be conent and secure in knowing i'm not completley wrong.
i'm not sure anyone can give me that. except the one person, that i know wont.
holy crap, i'm hopeless. |
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| ne me quitte pas |
[May. 24th, 2007|12:20 am] |
you need to do what makes you happy
i just hope you aren't running from your problems
what's to say they wont start again?
besides that, i'd run with you
i don't want reason to miss you more than i already do
you mean the world to me
i don't want to loose you
but you need to do what makes you happy
i just dont want to end up crying for what seems like forever again
ne me quitte pas |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 18th, 2007|02:31 am] |
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please refer to November 21, 2005 3:16pm |
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| you mean the world to me. |
[Apr. 27th, 2007|11:26 pm] |
last night was the most amazing day of the year.
it made up, completely for October 18 around 2am.
the only upsetting thing about it is that it ended too soon.
i wish i didnt open my mouth. that's the biggest regret.
i'm terrified i messed up; i dont want to loose you.
i love you. i care about you. you make me unbelievably happy.
i know you care about me. and at times i made you happy. i just wish you loved me.
i still believe a part of you does.
regardless i'm gonna wait. people think i'm crazy.
i dont know how i feel about it.
i only know if i walk away from this now i'm gonna be really sad. i'll constantly wonder what would have been different if i stayed. i dont think i could live with that.
we're suppose to talk tomorrow.
i know i'm going to forget everything i have planned to say to make you understand why i ruined the perfect night we were having. i wish you saw my side of things; how you affect me, how you make me happy, how i love you and why i care about you. i just wish you loved me. i wish i could believe we dont have problems - if i did we wouldnt always be in this situation. i feel like its my fault. you should be guilty. i hope our talk goes well. i dont want to loose you, even though i semi kinda already have. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 27th, 2007|12:12 am] |
I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we’ll never know most of them. But even if we don’t have the power to choose where we come form, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them.
- Perks of Being a Wallflower |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 8th, 2007|01:08 am] |
"cause i'm stuck with a smile that doesn't fit me anymore"
"who wants a life that's filled with semesters, and useless knowledge, and wasted credits?"
"you could stay here tonight or maybe forever, and no one has to know. cause i won't let that go"
"you gotta swear, don't forget to remember me"
"i'm gonna spend my nights either sleepless or dreaming about you"
"i've said it before and you know that i meant it, you're all i want to know. and i won't let that go"
"let's just hope that nothing happens"
"wait forever, not for me"
"lifelong problems and last kisses, all you ever gave to me"
"don't forget to remember me"
-quotes from Jamisonparker x Paper Rock Scissors
I'm at a loss for words these days. The above makes more sense than one would expect. Nearly two and a half months of complete hell. Welcome 2007, and an even more depressive state. I wish I could make you love me again. I miss you far too much. It's sad but ture, you make me happier than anything I could ever dream of. I love you. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 25th, 2006|01:38 pm] |
imagine: a burning asteroid hurling towards earth
that feels like my (social) life right now
overly dramatic? you would think. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 20th, 2006|01:30 pm] |
9 months
. . . he wont remember |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 21st, 2006|01:24 am] |
| [ | tuneage |
| | Blind - Planet Smashers / Sell Out - Reel Big Fish | ] |
i'm in love
i'm in love
i'm in love.
he loves me too
. . . and it's wonderful
ps - this makes me smile a ridiculous little smrik, and barry my head in my hoodie
(mostly cause its to cute to be ture). |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 21st, 2005|03:16 pm] |
. . .but theres a boy, and he makes me happy.
i cant put it any better than that. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 15th, 2005|06:59 pm] |
i wish i could list all the things i want to say
. . . but i cant. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 17th, 2005|10:19 pm] |
******MISSING WOMAN, OLAMIDE ADEYOOYE, FROM NORMAL, ILLINOIS********
On October 13th at around 9 P.M., Olamide Elizabeth Adeyooye (Oh-LAH-Mee-Day Ah-Day-YO-yay) went missing from her apartment on Market Street in Normal, Illinois (Illinois State University) She is nicknamed "Ola" or "Ollie."
She was last seen at Family Video around the same time, however, managed to reach her apartment and put one of the videos in. When her apartment was broken into on Saturday by her friends, we found her cell phone on her couch and her TV was on. Her car and keys and purse are missing, and her door was locked.
If you would like to see a picture of what she looks like, you can go to www.myspace.com/olamide1
This woman is incredibly important not only to me, but to her boyfriend Andy Wildrick and the rest of the indie band The Junior Varsity. We're all shocked and heartbroken by her disappearance and and imploring people all around the country to help us any way that they see fit.
She is 21 years old, 110 pounds, and about 5'3". She is of Nigerian descent and has shoulder length, natural black hair and dark eyes.
If you would like to read the whole account of the story, you can visit blog.myspace.com/petrey. I will be updating on a daily basis as SOON as new information becomes available to me. If you have any information regarding her disappearance, you can call Ashley Petrey at 630-674-7949 or the Normal, Illinois Police Department at 309-454-9535. If you have any ideas or suggestions on how to help us find our beloved Olamide, please contact me, Ashley Petrey, and I can send you a flyer or help you get started.
Please don't disregard this, this has shaken up a whole university, not to mention the entire town of Bloomington-Normal.
Help us get our Ollie Pollie home safely.
Regards,
Ashley Petrey
The Junior Varsity
Friends and Family of Olamide Adeyooye
IF ANYONE CAN START REPOSTING THIS, I'D REALLY APPRECIATE IT |
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| wake up, think fast, three weeks have passed. |
[Oct. 1st, 2005|08:24 pm] |
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I have a tendency to fuck things up. But really.....if we're going to be so high school about it, i really dont see the point in fighting it. Might have been a sad, sad lost, who knows? But I have probably the best support group behind me. Home and school. It's pretty fucking ace. No lies. This is the happiest Kim in a long time. Minus a few things here and there. But really, I'm giving up in worrying/caring too much in stupid bullshit thats just going to make me more sick. Ridiculous, really. |
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| my summer vacation - the artaris |
[Aug. 27th, 2005|07:40 pm] |
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'you make me smile so wide when i look into your eyes and when you`re not around you know you`re somewhere stuck inside my mind' |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 21st, 2005|10:42 pm] |
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. . . we're two hours apart and i don't know if i want anything to come between how perfect our relationship is. but i think theres still a part of you that never left me. take a chance? maybe, for once i should. i know we'll be fine in the end, regardless of the outcome. we have always had bad timing. i'm betting this will just be another. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 14th, 2005|12:26 pm] |
the more i think about it the more i can't aruge it. Then it starts to circle around and around in my head and i can't forget it. Then i start to get confused, becuase all of these emotions and memories come back to me until i think about it enough and again have no reason to aruge it.
i really want to say what it is too, but i can't. It could make things worse if they aren't already, but i don't know that it will make things worse for a fact. And it doesn't help that i'm scared because for once in my life, i'm pretty positive that this is something i want. And for once, i'm pretty positive i'm ready to work at it, and not be stupid.
i hate chess, i really do. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 27th, 2005|01:19 am] |
i fucking hate msn crushes...
but man, it feels so fucking gooood this time |
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| one true loves, and author of "My Life Among the Kids Who Go to Shows." |
[May. 22nd, 2005|08:09 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crummy | ] |
one true loves, and author of "My Life Among the Kids Who Go to Shows."
one true loves, and author of "My Life Among the Kids Who Go to Shows."
one true loves, and author of "My Life Among the Kids Who Go to Shows."
one true loves, and author of "My Life Among the Kids Who Go to Shows."
one true loves, and author of "My Life Among the Kids Who Go to Shows."
one true loves, and author of "My Life Among the Kids Who Go to Shows."
one true loves, and author of "My Life Among the Kids Who Go to Shows."
one true loves, and author of "My Life Among the Kids Who Go to Shows."
one true loves, and author of "My Life Among the Kids Who Go to Shows."
one true loves, and author of "My Life Among the Kids Who Go to Shows."
one true loves, and author of "My Life Among the Kids Who Go to Shows."
one true loves, and author of "My Life Among the Kids Who Go to Shows."
one true loves, and author of "My Life Among the Kids Who Go to Shows."
I really believe I am going to write a book with ^that^ as the title. It's the only thing that seems to make sense to me at the moment. However at the same time it's what's keeping me miserable and lost. Could there be a happy medium between the two?
Leave it to the kids that go to shows... and there one true loves.....so much fucking drama |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 9th, 2005|09:58 pm] |
perfection is a fairytale lie.
I love it. |
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| Movie Screen Sky |
[Apr. 26th, 2005|06:25 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | blah | ] |
All I can think is how much I miss you.
Kiss me, prove to me everything I think I feel is gone.
I'm always. . . wrong
. . . wrong
. . . wrong
I know I'm setting myself up for failure.
Beating myself over nothing.
That fashion always looked best on me.
Hey, lets loose control.
It's like one of those fairy tale stories where you just dont want to let go.
Crazy, how these feelings fade like the seasons.
I think I maybe broken.
Listen to my eyes.
I should have stopped last year, when it seemed like I was one step ahead.
I'm loosing my touch.
___________________________________________________________________
Please Dear, keep me near.
If I start to slip, grab my wrists
Hold tight, as long as you can
Until you have to let go.
. . . please don't let go. |
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| Between you and me . . . |
[Apr. 24th, 2005|02:40 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | uncomfortable | ] |
. . . I'm sorry for everything I've done and everything that it seems I put you though.
I don't think you realize how diffiult it is for me anymore.
People talk faster than there mouths can move, and when there heart skips some funny little beat the take it as a clue to dismiss any humannity within them.
This leaves me to beleive I need out.
Friends that I thought were my fairly good friends, apparenlty were never friends of mine at all.
People that I barely know show more interest and compassion than those that know almost every little secert of mine.
And forgive me if I'm wrong but tiny things like that can eat away at a person like me.
I take on more than I should, and at that I care about most everyone I meet and take a liking to. Everyone deserves the best.
Because of this however, Kim feels absolutley horrid to think of whats going on behind her back. To what I put up with day in and day out, from people that just fake me smiles and those who believe they can recieve a tiny piece from just prentending they care.
Maybe this is why I've closed myself off to you. I don't know. I don't know where I stand and what I trust.
I wish I could trust you, and who knows maybe I do. God only knows I care (and think) about you just as much as the next person, if not more. . . I tone it down if anyone asks.
I wish you could understand, and I know thats impossible. To why this this being wrote I have no idea. And at that, I suppose what comes around, goes around and I have nothing more to say. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 19th, 2005|05:16 pm] |
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goddamnit, i need to hear that lie. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 17th, 2005|05:06 pm] |
Please look me in the eyes & tell me that you love me because I need to hear that lie. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 11th, 2005|09:53 pm] |
it has gotten to the point where nothing and everything matter.
where is my something to hold onto? |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 31st, 2005|08:07 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  pleased | ] |
I GOT INTO DURHAM! |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 13th, 2005|03:59 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | uneasy, curious, tired | ] |
| [ | tuneage |
| | TBS - You're So Last Summer | ] |
system.
cycle.
system.
cycle.
system.
cycle.
system.
cycle.
repete until awkward teenage years are over... we hope. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 7th, 2005|10:38 pm] |
let's destroy eachother cause we're too cool for love lines,
soft kisses over cheap wine.
smoke me baby like your last cigarette whisper to me,
say "you'll never forget"
could you break my heart a little more?
shove my body up against yours and kiss me like you mean it?
anything worth a taste burns as it goes down.
could you tell me i'm so audrey hephburn when my hair falls to the side?
and say "girl, i'm not here to love you tender,
i'm just here for the ride"
let's blind ourselves by love and be deaf to all who say it's fatal.
it's not that we don't know, its just that we don't care
♥ |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 29th, 2005|12:49 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  giddy | ] |
I hate little school girl crushes |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 6th, 2005|12:17 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  cold | ] |
And when plastic burns it stinks and melts into nothing only to leave the allusion of what was and what never was (or will be).
Black charcole has entered everything I am, and again I find myself lost.
My lungs are filled, emotionless, left to rot away at everything I have ever known.
I know I'm lost.
Like a fork in the road.
But it's different because anyway you may turn with steps on choosing a path there will be a brick wall.
Nothing makes sense.
For once I think I'm the only sane one.
But that doesn't even make sense.
I'm clam and I'm restless.
Sleep isn't nearing me at all.
Stress is only going to build.
And all I can think of is how much I miss you. |
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| please, don't let me go falling from the sky |
[Dec. 27th, 2004|03:20 pm] |
i've never felt this way before.
it's winter.
i've lived in a snow globe,
and for once . . .
i feel more safe than usual.
i find myself sitting with the stupidist grin on my face
and watching the stars in my eyes.
i can't help but think you've done this to me,
but i'm still confused with how.
After everything i've been;
and done;
and gone through,
these glass slippers can't be plastic
they just can't
♥ |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 10th, 2004|06:55 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  worried | ] |
I've got a bad feeling about this. . . |
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| shhh . . . . |
[Nov. 24th, 2004|10:52 pm] |
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Cinderella has a secret. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 18th, 2004|12:10 am] |
damn you for being beautiful
i hate karma |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 5th, 2004|10:29 pm] |
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this seemed so close yet so out of grasp. i almost had it this time, but unfairly i cry. lay weeping, but brave. its not as horrid as it seems. i'll be fine. but i almost had you, and though in ways i still do i never though it would be this different. this difficult. and i never thought i would have to mutter the words, i love you, i miss you, over it all i never actaully had you. i need you. we were so close. and, and to wonder where it all went wrong? |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 1st, 2004|12:12 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  calm (for the most part) | ] |
| [ | tuneage |
| | grease radio re-mix | ] |
always knowing life sucks, i've never come to the realization of how much sometimes, and i off all people should have a great understanding of the things that would be concidered "not fair" in life.
but this time its pushed me, just a tiny bit too far. As soon as you become comfotable with something it seems it has to be ripped from under your feet, only resulting in you falling and depending on how fast and smooth the rip was hurting for seconds, minutes, hours, days, or even weeks, later.
I'm not sure how much i will contiune to hurt. its been almost a week now, depending on when you would say i actually fell. I hung on for awhile in disbelif that all i really know. I need answers, only think i think i will stop hurting. and now its not even hurting . . . its not hurting at all. its straight up confusion vs. conterdiction.
. . . and people say ignorance is bliss, psh. |
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| will anyone notice?? |
[May. 25th, 2004|12:30 am] |
it honestly feels like i'm in a glass box, screaming at the top of my lungs, only i'm invisible to the world.
i have a feeling that glass box is gonna run out of oxygen by friday, and i'll still be there, screaming. |
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| stole from . . .melly jelly |
[Apr. 18th, 2004|10:11 pm] |
i want everyone who reads this to ask me 3 questions, no more no less.
ask me anything you want.
then i want you to go to your journal, copy and paste this allowing your friends (including myself) to ask you anything. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 18th, 2004|02:56 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | lazy | ] |
| [ | tuneage |
| | School of Rock | ] |
Why do people continuously block people when they dont want to have anything to do with them anymore. Or rather when they're so shamlessly shallow and self-involed that they dont want anything to do with you if your not the"prefect" image and person, and hense not being acceptabed by them.
On another note, The Reason last night fucking rocked....i love them more than before. Kostanza did as well, but I mean they always do ... this time it was better than usual for some reason
Lastly: well, I'm more happy than usual again. Sunshine..awww soo bright, and 28* outside - then again things are different between me and another. . . we can't even look at each other. Somethings wrong - what I'm not quite sure! |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 15th, 2004|02:10 pm] |
Looking through my never ending pile of notebooks, i realized that all i really ever doodle is stars and hearts around my writings. I know each has an independant meaning for me but in general understanding of them
stars = wishes
hearts = love
Its amazing how the 2 can get so tangelled up, so easily.
I find myself in a postion where i'm on cloud 9, sitting on top of the world, though theres a pit in the botom on my tummy that just wants to rot.
My head and my heart used to fight, now its the hearts and the stars in my life. |
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| my hands around your throat and i think i hate you |
[Apr. 14th, 2004|12:55 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  pissed off and annoyed | ] |
| [ | tuneage |
| | the cool kids outside the door trying to be cool | ] |
i just dont fucking understand why some people cant keep to themselves. I've live my life that way for the most part and haven't pushed myself into anyones business and all of a sudden my life is like the newest tapolid out there. Its so fuking stupid and not to meantion annoying. and becuase im Kim, and im a emotional person its in my best interest for them to tell me that to do when its not bothering me at all. Cause god only knows becuase the state im in, my god i could kill myself. fuck. the lame ass people i associate myself with i swear. a majority of them disapoint me and theres probally a hand full now that i would trust with full portection of my life. mind you this is only categorizing the people that i go to school with. There a a bunch of amazing people who i love dearly that i dont go to school with and really wish were with me all the time. none the less people suck. Im not a fucking 3, 6 or even 8 year anymore and though i may seem like it at times, becuase i am a big kid still at heart per say, i understand shit at my almost 18 year old functioning level. SO STOP TALKING TO ME LIKE I AM LITTLE. inless its a big medical word, ONLY THEN YOU CAN And being the person i am i probaly worry more than the next person and if im not worried dont fucking try to make me worry when you have no god damn idea of whats really happenning. Its so jewvinile, yah i cant spell, but either way i really wish i was leaving this year, get out of this place and how they try and make you think they same, and if its not certain teachers or admin. trying its the kids, every single one of them a clone to the other.
imagine a somwhat small fish tank, and a really really big fish with a thousand of none fish creatures about that one big fish and all the other creature think because they out number the big one, they have the power, to dictate anothers furture their ideas and their life to them. these are my peers not my fucking conscious or whatever. AND now that my life has beome their entertaiment, my god. you dont get mad at me and walk off becuase i dont want to talk to you about personal stuff. Think of how many times i could have done to you, seriously, but no i repected your decision, and changed the topic, you walked out!. GRRR no wait ROAR
AHHHHHHHHH
final point: people piss me off, thats never gonna change i know an di know there are stupid people in the world, but live your own life - dont try and control mine!!!!!!!!!!!
and ps. . . .Im SORRY. . . (direction towards an unknown person) |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 9th, 2004|03:36 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  bored | ] |
| [ | tuneage |
| | Simple Plan - Dont Want To | ] |
boredness is a wonderful thing. you tend to notice evey little tiny detail around you depending, that is on the level of boredness you have reached. Im thinking, a walk would be nice, then maybe i could have that snow-globe magic feeling again. I really can't wait till eleven o'clock at night walks on the beach, and sleeping with the stars
those are the days i long for now
those are the days that seem soo far away |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 7th, 2004|10:52 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  flirty | ] |
| [ | tuneage |
| | Avril Lavigene - Don't Tell Me | ] |
I can't wait till tomorrow. Not only is it the last day of school, for the week, BUT all mid-term projects will be over and I can sleep. I've almost forgotten what it feels like, I think. Sitting in a car for 5 and 1/2 hours on the other hand I'm really NOT looking forward too.
I'm gonna be alone for a whole 4 days. As much as I scream to get out of this small little life I have up here, I really do love it, and miss it. Thank-goodness MSN is there to keep most everyone close when I get bored.
In other news, Whitney is well and only has 4 maybe 5 weeks left. That was worth staying up till 2 to hear. I've been dead all week thus far but it was nice.
More importantly, I think I've found a better "normal" now, I guess we're just gonna have to wait a little less than a week to see (if it stays). I LOVE where I am now, and I dont want anything to change. Though it will....and with that I, I must stay calm.
People talk, Move On. . . |
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wasted_purple's journal